Adios 2018

“I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship.” - Louisa May Alcott

This year came too soon and swept over me like a huge wave and before I knew it, I was back to writing my annual blog reflecting back on my version of 2018. Another reflective blog that I wrote in the form of a letter to my younger self was also well received. Academically, I had two semesters, both on the extreme ends of the pole. As life processes demand, I had to delete a few people from my life while adding a few. One event that a lot of people who know me have speculated about and some have confirmed news is, of course, my breakup. This blog is probably my first conscious attempt at acknowledging that I was in a relationship and yes things did not work out in the way I would have hoped they would. As much as this major event did not form the whole of my 2018, it was and still is a huge deal. Even bigger than having to deal with math as a course for the entire of my second semester and how it was a huge mess. 

However, I do want to dedicate a little time talking about what all went down in my second semester. I had three courses that I could not stand, out of which Math and Journalism were the real troublemakers. As the days went by, it became more difficult for me to sustain any sort of liking or motivation for these two courses. Once the negative feelings hit you, you become the magnet of all that is wrong in the world. Apart from the stress and the feeling of underachievement or the feeling that I'm not good enough, every small thing haunted me. I had frequent episodes of nightmares and often would have a panic attack take over my senses. There were strains on my personal and social life as well as I started to retreat more to myself and stay in my room more often. 

After having several breakdowns, I decided it was enough and decided to pay a visit to the Centre for Well Being (CWB) in our college. As much as I was proud of myself for taking that step, it did not help. My counsellor dismissed me after three sessions declaring I am fine and if there was an emergency I could always pay him a visit again. But things were not fine and at this point, I was so exhausted to muster up the courage to go back to CWB ever again. Even after the second semester was over, I carried with me the after-effects into my internship and the short summer semester I did in Ashoka. I was perpetually in a state of frustration and anxiety resulting in me burnt out rapidly. I could not sustain myself. 

I think one of the unconscious reasoning of the break up would have been the fact that I was giving out negative vibes because of my academic life. But the fact of the matter is we broke up. There were reasons and differences that I am not getting into. After having read and watched so much about love and relationships, I thought I was prepared for a situation like this but as it turned out dealing with the heartbreak is much more difficult than it seems. If I say I was in pain, that would be an understatement. In one moment, the person who I talked to day in and day out, who was one of the closest friends I had, went far far away. It was unbearable. Moreover, I did not know what to do with the black hole void that I was slowly being sucked into. 

As much as I don’t want to fall prey to cliches, I realized that ‘time heals all’ is not based on false presumptions. Take some time and see how you start healing. But time has a limited role to play. It heals but does not help in recovery. That lies on you. As the days passed and turned into weeks of my sweatpants and hair bun phase, I started getting fresher perspectives. All this while, as difficult a task it seemed, I told myself to be surrounded by my friends or family at as many points of my day as possible. It is difficult because this is a time when you absolutely want to be left alone but I decided to move against the current. As the tears started to dry up and I started to faintly smile again, I broke open my shell and started to talk to more and more people in my environment. It felt so good to have one to one conversations with humans. 

I don’t want to blame or point fingers at anyone for whatever happened because the way I see it, it may have been one of the more difficult tests set by destiny but honestly, one of the best. I have grown as a person since then. I have learnt so much. Nothing is permanent and nothing has to be. It is in this limited time that we have to make the best use of it and I know I did. The limited time that I was with him were some of the happiest months of my life and I have learnt to cherish them instead of regretting that it was over. I am a more confident and happy person now because I know I am better equipped to deal with the losses of life and be humble with the gains. I think one important thing is to not give up on love or hope because this is what kept me going. It is ok if things don’t work out the way you expect them to because you’ll be surprised at how life works. It is another of those life’s phases and it passes like anything else. In any case, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right?

I also got a lesson in human nature, not just from this whole incident but some of the drama that grew out of it. As advanced as we think of ourselves, it is a pity we fail at reading certain people. But as the year comes to an end, I would like to say I am grateful for how this year has gone by and all the people involved in making me a stronger person. Whether it was the fights or hitting nostalgia after meeting school friends or picking up a new hobby, this year was exciting with so much new stuff that I saw, heard and experienced. I never thought I would say this to any of the years but it is a pity this year is ending. But for some reason, I am extremely pumped up about the year that is to come. Welcome, 2019.