2021 : Twenty Twenty (Won)?

If there is one thing we all can unanimously agree upon, it is the fact that 2020 was a year to be remembered and something we want to forget at the same time. This year, as the clock struck midnight to make way for 2021 to enter, people celebrated not the beginning of a new year but the end of a year that lasted for aeons. Here's a look into what my 2020 looked like. 

When I went to the Jaipur Literature Festival with my college in January of 2020, of course, none of us would have ever thought that the world would come to a standstill. I haven't gone on many trips with people from my college, so when the plan for JLF was announced by our travel society, I jumped in immediately. Needless to say, I had the time of my life in Jaipur. For me, it was a chance to relive the time I lived in Jaipur when I was 8, but now as a 20-year-old and in 2.5 days.

By February, the virus started entering our conversations as just another event happening globally, while India remained unaffected to a great deal. I remember travelling to Ahemdabad towards the end of February and seeing people with masks at the airport. I was baffled, but I thought this was probably due to the all-year-round alarming levels of pollution in the air. It was February still,l when a professor told us she was uncomfortable to go to Singapore for a conference because the country had started reporting cases of the new virus. 

By the first week of March, WhatsApp University started sending out forwards about what this new virus was and how the cure for it lies in simple homegrown recipes. You know you have to start taking something seriously when WhatsApp groups begin discussing which information is scattered. But for me, covid became a reality when my midterm break became one long extended lockdown. I came back home for the midterm break on 5th March, just in time to celebrate my mom's birthday. Like everyone else, I came back with almost no luggage except for my laptop and some winter clothes I had to return.

Holi was a low key affair on the 10th, which worked in my favour because I am not fond of the colours in any case. By 11th March, my college announced that the midterm break has been extended for 2 weeks. By the 11th evening, the students had already helped professors transition to online classes. While most colleges chose to not have classes in these 2 weeks, hoping that the students can return, some premonition on our part told us that it's not just a 2-week affair. What we did not realize was that the next two semesters would also be conducted online. Online classes provided a sense of normalcy in what seemed like an apocalyptic world. The lockdown also brought about a much-needed reality check for my privilege. My convocation got indefinitely postponed. But my parents organized an in-house convocation ceremony complete with a saree, the robes, hat and degree, and fantastic food.  

However, once I was done making Dalgona coffee or trying to be fit or binge-watching Netflix, and the lockdown effect started fading away, things went downhill. My mental health took a turn for the worse. I stopped talking to my friends and stopped caring for myself. I left the therapist I was seeing. (Trigger Warning in moving forward)

Once the summer vacation started, I knew I had to start planning my future, and somewhere I know I took the whole task for granted. I saw everyone around me being successful and pushed myself to feel I cannot achieve anything in life. I started going deeper and deeper into this thought, so much so I couldn't hear about the tiniest achievements of a second person without crying or going into this spiral. While I am proud to say that I can actively recognize this cognition today, acting upon it has not been an easy job. 

Regular crying sessions started attracting anxiety attacks. Soon enough, it became an everyday affair. I would climb into my bed at night, either cry, have an anxiety attack, or on special days, I got a package deal of both. On top of that, my new semester started. I had to juggle my thesis, be a Teaching Assistant and my regular courses, apart from starting the application process for Masters. I had extreme negative thoughts, and I knew I needed help. But I was not allowing myself to get help because my mind kept telling me, you don't deserve this. My mind kept telling me if people around you can manage and juggle so many things, so can you. I didn't allow myself a breather or a break and kept working in the most unhealthy ways that I could. I managed to ruin my sleep and eating cycle altogether. It honestly became so bad, I started having panic attacks in the middle of classes and lectures. 

For anyone who knows me well knows that I am the most excited person about my birthday. This time, I had no motivation to even get out of bed or dress up or even enjoy food. I did not want to cut a cake, and I made myself believe that no one would care anyway. But I was wrong. My friends and family did help me get into a mood for celebration. Post my birthday, something inside me snapped, and I fought with myself to seek professional help for mental health once again, which I did, and I'm proud of myself for doing so. 

The thing is, I really wanted to focus on the positives that 2020 brought with it. But I couldn't. I couldn't think and was continuously exhausted. Neither do I have any resolutions for 2021. However, I do want to shift my focus to self-love and self-care. Without self-love, I won't appreciate or reciprocate any love that I get from others. I want to try and take breaks and not continuously push myself to hustle. I also wish for myself to understand that even if things aren't moving according to plan, the world will not come to an end. I mean, that's what 2020 has been all about, right? Things not going according to plan, yet here we are.  We survived 2020, in whatever ways that we did. While I don't want to put too much pressure on 2021, I do hope it's a year of kindness and healing. So, with that, I would like to wish all of you, hopefully, a peaceful new year.