Birthday blues
I've always been that one kid on the block who would never get tired of discussing plans for my birthday or anyone else's for that matter. I was called crazy but I liked that. Even when none of my friends or family were excited for their own special day, I was singularly enough to compensate for their excitement.
I used to plan and plan for months before my birthday, how it was really going to be. My countdown began on 1st August, exactly two months before my birthday and then on 25th September, exactly at 8pm I would shout and tell as many people as I could that the countdown would be forthwith done in hours. My birthday was one day where I was spoiled with gifts and midnight wishes. I was a princess and I allowed no one to ruin the day for me. It was MY day. So it was very natural for me to feel all the more excited when we came to Delhi, what with a new place and new friends.
But things have changed. I "grew" up. I dealt with this sadistic person called life who apart from giving me lessons in learning gave me misery and loads of it. Two important lessons this person called life gave me in the form of birthday blues were that first you cannot remain a child forever. You may want to. You may even fight the people who condemn the child within you but you can not win. At the end you bow down. Secondly anything that you plan will fall apart because well that's a miserable rule set by life.
Let me explain. It started with me being extra hysterical and jumpy as my sixteenth birthday approached last year on 30th September. I justified the extra amount of butter and cheese by telling myself and everyone around me that it was supposed to be my sweet sixteen and a little extra was justifiable. Everyone celebrated their birthdays in nice restaurants or lounges. Surprisingly the concept of a sober home party was almost alien to people here. So we planned a nice dinner of fourteen fifteen people in connaught place. I wanted it to be really special and go as I had it planned because of a new place and new people and stuff. I even had this really nice mint coloured strapless dress which i called my Cinderella dress.
But obviously things did not go the way i thought they would. Remember rule number two I mentioned above? Basically what happened was people did not turn up, for whatever reasons but they didn't. Initially one or two of them came to me to tell me that they would not be able to make it. Then this momentum gathered force and the result was that out of the lot of people I had invited, three turned up, one of them being a friend who came all the way from noida to CP. Some of them did not even justify. I was hurt because in all of my wildest dreams I never imagined such a scenario. Sigh... whatever the reasons might have been...
So this year I decided to do a little bit of an experiment. For the first time I hid my birthday, my excitement from every one to see how many people would remember. If people would remember my experiment would fail and I would not doubt my insecurities ever again. But if the experiment passed then I would consider something to be wrong. And voila the experiment did pass.
Only three people wished me from my current environment excluding people from my past settings. And i might be wrong but I think the three people wished me only because I finally unveiled it on Facebook or my best friend posted really cute pictures of us being together since eternity. I know the post is titled "Birthday blues" and indeed I received the blues for two consecutive years but it is more than a birthday. I can not deny the fact any longer that I am lonely in a place I thought i always belonged. I never complained about this beautiful city so full of life. But one thing I am not provided for here is people who actually care.
I used to plan and plan for months before my birthday, how it was really going to be. My countdown began on 1st August, exactly two months before my birthday and then on 25th September, exactly at 8pm I would shout and tell as many people as I could that the countdown would be forthwith done in hours. My birthday was one day where I was spoiled with gifts and midnight wishes. I was a princess and I allowed no one to ruin the day for me. It was MY day. So it was very natural for me to feel all the more excited when we came to Delhi, what with a new place and new friends.
But things have changed. I "grew" up. I dealt with this sadistic person called life who apart from giving me lessons in learning gave me misery and loads of it. Two important lessons this person called life gave me in the form of birthday blues were that first you cannot remain a child forever. You may want to. You may even fight the people who condemn the child within you but you can not win. At the end you bow down. Secondly anything that you plan will fall apart because well that's a miserable rule set by life.
Let me explain. It started with me being extra hysterical and jumpy as my sixteenth birthday approached last year on 30th September. I justified the extra amount of butter and cheese by telling myself and everyone around me that it was supposed to be my sweet sixteen and a little extra was justifiable. Everyone celebrated their birthdays in nice restaurants or lounges. Surprisingly the concept of a sober home party was almost alien to people here. So we planned a nice dinner of fourteen fifteen people in connaught place. I wanted it to be really special and go as I had it planned because of a new place and new people and stuff. I even had this really nice mint coloured strapless dress which i called my Cinderella dress.
But obviously things did not go the way i thought they would. Remember rule number two I mentioned above? Basically what happened was people did not turn up, for whatever reasons but they didn't. Initially one or two of them came to me to tell me that they would not be able to make it. Then this momentum gathered force and the result was that out of the lot of people I had invited, three turned up, one of them being a friend who came all the way from noida to CP. Some of them did not even justify. I was hurt because in all of my wildest dreams I never imagined such a scenario. Sigh... whatever the reasons might have been...
So this year I decided to do a little bit of an experiment. For the first time I hid my birthday, my excitement from every one to see how many people would remember. If people would remember my experiment would fail and I would not doubt my insecurities ever again. But if the experiment passed then I would consider something to be wrong. And voila the experiment did pass.
Only three people wished me from my current environment excluding people from my past settings. And i might be wrong but I think the three people wished me only because I finally unveiled it on Facebook or my best friend posted really cute pictures of us being together since eternity. I know the post is titled "Birthday blues" and indeed I received the blues for two consecutive years but it is more than a birthday. I can not deny the fact any longer that I am lonely in a place I thought i always belonged. I never complained about this beautiful city so full of life. But one thing I am not provided for here is people who actually care.
Comments
Post a Comment